Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Dead to Me

The ice cream maker is dead to me.

Yes, I, Valerie Norris, gave up on an appliance that takes something simple—ice cream—and turns it into an Olympic marathon event, with pre-freezing, measuring, mixing in a mixer, mixing/freezing in the ice cream freezer, then adding flavors and freezing it to actual ice cream consistency.
I know, it’s not like me to quit when it comes to preparing food. I’m the same person friends tell, “I love your cooking but your recipes are too much work.” The same person who starts the Thanksgiving gravy the day before by oven-roasting turkey thighs, then simmering them on the stovetop, then straining the liquid, etc. It’s a recipe so involved it has a legacy of burns and knife cuts that don’t heal for months. Why do I keep making it? The gravy is amazing. You could eat it like soup. 

So why did I give up on the ice cream maker? Because I keep producing ice cream the consistency of a home-cranked snow cone. Crunch crunch. The ice cream was better when the machine was new, but over the years it lost what was apparently the magic high speed that produced creamy ice cream.

Oh, I tried. I spent a long weekend giving the ice cream maker a second chance, a third and a fourth. I pre-froze buckets deep in the recesses of two different freezers. I tweaked the recipe. I let the ice cream machine run an extra ten minutes.

t still resulted in ice cream the consistency of melted, re-frozen, freezer-burned iced milk that crunched in my mouth.

But I haven’t completely given up. My daughter has an ice cream attachment for her Kitchen Aid mixer, and I’m going to borrow it and try again. Again with the freezing, mixing, mixing/freezing, adding flavors and then final freezing. Because this time it might be great.

If not, I’ll really give up. Really. Trust me.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

5 Cool Things about Numbered Lists

I love lists. I write out one nearly every morning to give structure to my day. I seldom get to the end of a list at day’s end, but by golly there I am the next morning, sitting down and making another list—and drinking coffee and procrastinating starting to actually work at checking things off.
I keep lists of items I need to shop for, too, because once I get to Target or Walmart or Bed, Bath and Everything Else I tend to get lost in aisles of things I don’t need. (Ooh! Socks that moisturize your feet in bed! Oh, look! Cocktail glasses—I’ve gotten by without any for my entire life but I need them now. And there, hats!) Clearly, I need a list. And blinders.

Numbered lists are a huge selling tool—just check out magazines in the grocery check-out lanes:
10 Beauty Secrets from stuff you normally let go stale in the pantry
12 Weeknight Recipes Your Kids Will Hate But Hey, You Cooked So They Should Shut Up and Eat
21 Ways to Waste Time and Money with Crap You Never Should Have Bought In the First Place
The teasers happen on Facebook, too. You’re just a click away from fascinating subjects:
The 15 Worst Misspelled Tattoos
5 Foods that will make you fat, ugly and smell bad
30 sweepstakes that will never award prizes but will give your FB and email info to hundreds of spammers

So, back to the title of this post. What are five cool things about numbered lists?
1. Numbered lists give you an idea of what you’re getting into. Amid 200 ideas for sprucing up your home or spicing up your sex life, there must be something that will actually spruce or spice, right? (A hint: No.)
2. Numbered to-do lists give you the abundant satisfaction of crossing off items. If you’re a numbered list geek.
3. Number 3, number 3. Umm--

Okay, THREE cool things about numbered lists.

3. You can make them any length you want.